I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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