If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
