My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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