id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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