I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
