I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
