I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
