i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
