I was born with a shot glass in my hand
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
