Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
