I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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