I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
