Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
