im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
