once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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