It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
