It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
