she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize