my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
