we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You may now shotgun with the bride
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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