somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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