I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
