Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
