last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
