I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
