is your mom at the bar?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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