When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
