I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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