apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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