Don't make out with my wife yet
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
and you fell through a lawn chair
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
