Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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