listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
