I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
