I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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