I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Text me some of your sweat
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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