I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
