Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
