You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
