Im at strip club and am horny
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
