some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
