He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How external is "for external use only"?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
