Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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