I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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