I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
