WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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