So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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