tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
