Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
