Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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