Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
