Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
