Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
