I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
