I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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