i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
