ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
