i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
