Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
