dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
