i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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