I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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