Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
