I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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